Before my trail calling, I was searching for something. I had met the one year mark at my first job out of college, my dream job on that note. I had been living in the same house for a year with especially compatible roommates. My routine consisted of waking up before the sun, going to the gym, eating my one packet of brown sugar instant oatmeal before I left for work earlier than I needed to. I would see the same people and clients, talk about the same things, listen to my bookmarked NPR stations. I would leave entirely too late to go home, because no one was waiting for me. I would look forward to that phone call from Nathan on my drive so I could recap my day with him (which had limited variability from the day prior and the day before that). I was getting that paycheck, filling my gas tank, feeding myself, dressing myself, paying bills on time, and was in a healthy relationship. I would come home to eat my frozen vegetables in some makeshift dinner, do my online study modules for a certification I was working for work, then go to bed by 9pm. Rinse. Repeat.
Past Isabelle would have thought, "You have made it! This is what the early 20's are all about." The first job takes some time to get used to because up until the age of 20- life has a series of foreseeable milestones, hierarchies to move up, and natural reinforcers. I had done the "education" route, I had done the internships, done the studying and testing, moved at least one time to a new home each year for the past 5, pushed and pushed. It was exciting, fresh, but also somewhat to be expected. I had my head down, blinders up getting me through this normal life sequence to finally get me to that celebrated and desired title of a "working adult."
I remember calling Nathan one night after work in my parked car outside of my house, in uncontrollable tears because I was perseverating on the fact that we don't live together. He was in his first job as well, but lived over 2 hours away. This February will mark the most beautiful 3 years together. However, I remember crying on the phone that night saying, " I don't know why I feel so lonely." I felt like my life had platoed and I was putting an unnatural amount of pressure on my relationship to provide me with that "next exciting step." I wanted to plan and to keep my mind active. In the back of my mind though, I knew it was bigger than my relationship. That's when something clicked. I was not in control of my happiness. That same conversation marked the first realization that I needed to take care of my actual SELF and that self cannot depend on anyone or anything. I needed to love that self, put it in the light and beauty, share it with deserving people that make me happy. My mom is on a whole other frequency of "self-realization" then the common "soul-searcher" but she has shared with me some beautiful wisdom over the years about how to be happy. One lesson being, "It is only when you truly love your higher "Self" separate from your physical and material self, can the two rejoin as one and be a transparent vessel to share your joy, spirit, and love with all who need it!" Pretty "Granola" I know...but I get it :)
And here is where the magic happened... the trail found me. When I focused on letting my true self come through, and allow for the "crazy" desire of hiking the Appalachian trail slowly shine out of me, the most amazing, beautiful, joy filled people surfaced and began flooding into my life and I am no longer lonely with myself.
Past Isabelle would have thought, "You have made it! This is what the early 20's are all about." The first job takes some time to get used to because up until the age of 20- life has a series of foreseeable milestones, hierarchies to move up, and natural reinforcers. I had done the "education" route, I had done the internships, done the studying and testing, moved at least one time to a new home each year for the past 5, pushed and pushed. It was exciting, fresh, but also somewhat to be expected. I had my head down, blinders up getting me through this normal life sequence to finally get me to that celebrated and desired title of a "working adult."
I remember calling Nathan one night after work in my parked car outside of my house, in uncontrollable tears because I was perseverating on the fact that we don't live together. He was in his first job as well, but lived over 2 hours away. This February will mark the most beautiful 3 years together. However, I remember crying on the phone that night saying, " I don't know why I feel so lonely." I felt like my life had platoed and I was putting an unnatural amount of pressure on my relationship to provide me with that "next exciting step." I wanted to plan and to keep my mind active. In the back of my mind though, I knew it was bigger than my relationship. That's when something clicked. I was not in control of my happiness. That same conversation marked the first realization that I needed to take care of my actual SELF and that self cannot depend on anyone or anything. I needed to love that self, put it in the light and beauty, share it with deserving people that make me happy. My mom is on a whole other frequency of "self-realization" then the common "soul-searcher" but she has shared with me some beautiful wisdom over the years about how to be happy. One lesson being, "It is only when you truly love your higher "Self" separate from your physical and material self, can the two rejoin as one and be a transparent vessel to share your joy, spirit, and love with all who need it!" Pretty "Granola" I know...but I get it :)
And here is where the magic happened... the trail found me. When I focused on letting my true self come through, and allow for the "crazy" desire of hiking the Appalachian trail slowly shine out of me, the most amazing, beautiful, joy filled people surfaced and began flooding into my life and I am no longer lonely with myself.